i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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