I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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