Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
