i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
