Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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