I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize