I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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