I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
