I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize