If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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