You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
