She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
