I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize