So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
