Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
