so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
