sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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