I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My ATM looks so different sober.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Randomize
