His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
