i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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