i already hear my dad disowning me
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
