I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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