it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
