i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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