Ambien. No doubt about it.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
