Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
