My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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