When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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