Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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