is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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