for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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