She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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