we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
