i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
