8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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