Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
