I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
