Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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