My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
