Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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