I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
