There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
