I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
