Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
