There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
