I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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