I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
