She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
