and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
