If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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