I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I think my fart just growled at me.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
