Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
