The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
