If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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