They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
