My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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