There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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