Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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