i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
