She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
