Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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