I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
