It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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