3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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