I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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