I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
