The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
