At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
