There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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